Resolution Revolution

I think it’s time to revolt against New Year’s resolutions. I’ve been giving this plenty of thought. I know it’s frightening to think that a forty-one year old man could be wasting time thinking about such bloody ridiculous things. However that is remarkably the case.

Anyhow getting back to the subject at hand, why the hell does everyone feel the need to have some sort of resolution? Is it peer pressure, conforming to society’s expectations, mental illness? What?

The sad fact is that 81.7% of those who make resolutions will not keep them. In fact the vast majority will be broken by the end of the third week in January…or something like that.

Off course being a narcissistic society the majority of resolutions have to do with our appearance. Women want to lose weight, and men want to bulk up for their non-existent girlfriends. Women look to guidance in these matters from self-proclaimed know-it-all gurus like Dr. Phil (who I happen to think is an absolute wanker), and men look to their wanker friends for guidance. You put all of these factors together and at the end of January the women have actually added weight to their already bulky frame, and the men are still without girlfriends and couldn’t do a push-up if their life depended on it. Such is the sad state of affairs which are New Years resolutions.

The next popular resolution for women after gaining weight, er……I mean losing weight is to meet Mr. Right. I’m sorry to break the bad news to you but Mr. Right doesn’t exist, and you will have to settle for Mr. Make Do. And research shows us that 44.3% of women will ditch Mr. Make Do by the beginning of March and will go back to friends that require batteries.
Unfortunately for 15% of all women, they won’t even find Mr. Make Do. As a matter of fact, there is a far greater chance that in 2011 we are able to put a man on Mars as opposed to putting a man on them. Such a shame. Oh well so sad!

Now, the second most popular resolution for men isn’t find a wife. Oh hell no! It’s simply getting more sex. Unfortunately for 21.2% of these losers, they won’t get any! That’s right nothing, and the only girlfriends they will see are located on their left and right hand.
The odds aren’t much better for a further 47.6% of men who will have no luck at getting women on the A list. Or the B, C, D, E, F, and G list for that matter. Yes these poor blokes will get some action, however it will be from someone who looks like Quasimodo’s much older sister.
However all is not lost. A full 9% of men will get the women of their dreams and will make mad passionate love to them on a daily basis until the women leave them for other women. That’s right, the population of lesbians will increase during 2011.

So there you have it. Why the hell bother to have a resolution when the odds are stacked against you? Do something more constructive with your time like knitting. At least you’ll have something to show at the end.

The Most Powerful WMD – The Pum Pum

I don’t understand all of this talk on CNN about the Senate agreeing to discuss the START treaty between the US and Russia. Nuclear weapons are so…..1980’s! And they cost billions upon billions of dollars. My advice to Congress and the Senate – save your money and invest in some very good looking women who know how to work their charms. That’s right; the most powerful weapon of mass destruction in the world today is the Pum Pum!

Nothing else in this world today is so efficient and effective in driving men absolutely crazy and making them lose their faculties. Don‘t believe me? Look around and you certainly don’t have to look far to see examples of men who did absolutely stupid things all because they were hypnotized and controlled by a Pum Pum. Since Cleopatra, cunning woman have discovered they possess the ability to get whatever they want simply by spreading their legs and allowing their Pum Pum to do the rest.

Still not convinced? Let’s discuss the interesting case of Thomas J. Capano. Mr. Capano was from a wealthy and prominent Delaware family. He was a successful lawyer, state prosecutor and legal counsel to Gov. Michael Castle. He had everything going for him – successful career, the right family connections, a loving wife and four daughters. Then he met 28 year old Anne Marie Fahey. And the Pum Pum took over his brain. When Ms. Fahey tried to end their 2 year old affair, he shot her, put her body in a cooler and dumped it 62 miles out into the Atlantic Ocean. He was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to death. His death penalty was later commuted to life in prison. What would possess a man to screw up his entire life, destroy his family and murder a poor woman who happened to get involved with the wrong man? It’s the Pum Pum, trust me!

Then there’s the case of King Edward VIII. This idiot gave up the throne to marry an older (and not too attractive) American divorcee by the name of Wallis Simpson. Why? Pum Pum! That and the fact he wasn’t too bright to begin with.

Then there’s the recent case of the three teenage boys in an island off New Zealand who were rescued after drifting 50 days at sea. Why were they at sea? Pum Pum! One of the boys noticed a girl who caught his eye at a track meet on his island. The only problem was she lived on a neighboring island that was about 200 miles away. And so what did the genius do? He and two friends jumped on a 12 foot metal dinghy to sail away in search off….that’s right…..Pum Pum!

So you’re still not convinced? Well it’s no secret that many intelligence agencies will use sexual entrapment to gain access to classified materials. They use ‘Honeytraps’ where a high ranking diplomat is seduced by a beautiful member of the Pum Pum Brigade, and then blackmailed into handing over secrets. This is why many countries have rules against their diplomats and intelligence officers entering into a sexual relationship with a citizen of the country they are serving in. The KGB had some success with honeytraps by using women who were called ‘Swallows’. Talk about a name suiting the situation perfectly. But I digress. Remember Clayton Lonetree? He was a member of the elite US Marine guard at the US Embassy in Moscow in the 80’s. He was entrapped by a swallow and ended up handing over sensitive material regarding undercover assets in Russia. He served nine years in prison.

Still not convinced? Why is it that many men will abandon their wife and kids for another woman? They love their kids and yet another woman comes along, they are quickly possessed and controlled by the Pum Pum and the next thing you know they can’t even remember their kids’ names. It’s been said that the most important person in a man’s life is the woman he’s having sex with. Everything else becomes secondary.

Good looking women know they run things. They get away with things that ugly women cannot get away with. And in my experience, good looking women are often some of the worst employees. I remember I once hired a very good looking girl to work as a CSR in a call centre. I knew she most likely wouldn’t last long because good looking women tend to have very short stints in call centres. After a few days of taking abusive phone calls they ask themselves ‘Why the hell am I doing this? I’m good looking damnit! It’s time to entrap some sugar daddy with my pum pum’! Needless to say, against my better judgment I hired her.  Sure enough after about a week and a half of subpar work, she simply disappeared. No phone call, letter of resignation or anything. About a month later some of my staff noticed her in a music video with Will Smith. Then DMX. And then a million other music videos. I can’t say I was surprised. She realized she had something that could get her a better career than working in a call centre – she could be a rap video star.

So……….my advice to Congress and the Senate – forget START. Save your money on defense spending and hire an elite unit of really good looking women. Send one to North Korea, one to Iran, one to China and one to Russia to seduce their leaders. Then sit back and enjoy world domination. That’s the power of the Pum Pum – the most powerful WMD of all!!!

The Happy Hooker and the Happier John

A few months ago a judge in Ontario struck down key components of Canada’s prostitution laws – effectively decriminalizing prostitution. The government was successful in getting the old laws upheld while they formulate their appeal. They have until April 29th to appeal the ruling or else – all hell will break loose, according to law and order types and the self-righteous who have taken it upon themselves to impose their morality over society.

I’ve never really understood why prostitution between consenting adults is illegal. After all, it didn’t get its billing as the world’s oldest profession for nothing. Once you ensure no minors are involved and that nobody is being forced into prostitution, what exactly is the big deal?

I know I know, feminists are probably cringing and pulling out their hair as they read my supposedly delusional opinions regarding the legality and/or morality surrounding prostitution. Who cares!
In reality, we’ve all practiced prostitution to a certain degree. Yes, that’s right! We’ve all at some point proudly stepped into our role as a ‘Ho’ or ‘John’.

Okay, I see I’ve gotten your blood pressure rising. Your mouthing the words ‘I ain’t no ho’ as we speak. Let me clarify. According to the dictionary the definition of prostitution is ‘to engage in sexual intercourse in exchange for money’. I know plenty of ladies who have felt the compulsion to sleep with a guy who they have been really attracted to – and the fact that the guy was loaded was the catalyst for that attraction in the first place. Have you ever wanted something from your man and so you decided to put on some sexy lingerie and subject him to some mind-numbing sex?

And fellas, let’s be honest. How many times have you parted with money that you couldn’t really afford to part with to buy an expensive present for your lady or treat her to a romantic night out – all in the hopes that you would get some?

When you think about it, isn’t prostitution really the process of getting sex without all of the small talk, headaches, stress and mind games? As a man I can attest to the fact that when we meet a woman who we are attracted to – everything we do is in the hopes of successfully getting in her pants. And if a man tells you otherwise, he’s either lying or gay! Simple as that! Why do you think we will spend that last dollar that we have to our names or drive hours in a blinding snow-storm to see you – why – so we can have bible study? I don’t think so.

And ladies, before you fall back to that all too popular sport of denigrating all men as shallow bastards, let me ask you something – if you had two men to choose from and they both physically appealed to you, they both had fantastic personalities, they were both intelligent and witty and the only difference was that one had a regular job and the other was a multi-millionaire – which one would you choose. If you said the one with the regular job, you’re lying!

They say power and wealth are the biggest aphrodisiacs for women when seeking a man. Why is that? Why is it that Lil Wayne can attract good looking women such as Lauren London or Jay Z can get Beyonce? I’m sure it has nothing to do with their bulging wallets and the Bentleys they drive.

This brings me back to my original premise regarding prostitution. Society is attempting to legislate morality when in fact our morals have nothing to do with it. I’m willing to bet that many of those ultra-conservative law-makers who campaign on ‘family values’ are probably the biggest clients of escorts or have their pretty young mistresses hidden away somewhere.

So let’s talk about the other aspect of it – its affect on society. Granted, prostitution is not something I’d like to see taking place around me or where I live. I certainly wouldn’t want to live in a neighbourhood where I had to stumble over used condoms as I’m taking my kids to school in the morning. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want my children to see some hooker servicing her clients on our street. That’s why I have no problem with red light districts. Designate and area (commercial not residential) as an area where people can go to get their kicks, sort of speak. This way the problem is contained.

As for the trafficking of women – obviously this needs to be stopped. For the sake of this blog I’m only referring to the act of prostitution between consenting adults. And really, if the police don’t have to concentrate their vice resources on escorts and adult hookers, maybe they can put in a more concerted effort to eradicate the trafficking of both women and minors.

If you’re against prostitution it’s easy to say it should be illegal. And it’s certainly your right to think so. But prostitution has been around forever and will continue to be. Maybe that’s why an alternative solution may be ideal so that it can be controlled and regulated.

In terms of the moral issues – let’s face it. As long as you have women who are attractive and know they are, and horny men with a lot of cash to throw around – then good luck!